I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
