Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
