I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
