dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
