last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
