I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
