im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
