Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
