you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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