After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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