She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
