You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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