6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
