Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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