I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
