you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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