We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
