Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
