You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
