Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
