Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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