After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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