my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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