Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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