So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
