last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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