I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize