Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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