I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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