I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
