I haven't been this sober since birth.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
