If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
