Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
