He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
