so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
