I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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