woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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