you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
