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worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
