the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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