my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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