my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
