So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Even my vagina gasped.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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