I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize