the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize