I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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