I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
