I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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