Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
