If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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