i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So here I am, sexting at work.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize