I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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