I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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