$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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