I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
do nipples grow back?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
