I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
