there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
